Closed Captioned For The Thinking Impaired

Thursday, July 19, 2007

An Easy Recipe for the Summertime Blues

Well, it's been a while since I've been interested in blogging. Been busy working on my mad, capricious golf game: got my second "career" hole in one (hit a soaring, perfect 7 iron into a stiff wind to a back pin placement on #3 at Lake Merced) but am somehow managing to play so miserably that I'm ready to fling my cute, black & green Callaway golf bag, clubs & all, off of the Golden Gate Bridge and gleefully watch it sink deep into the San Francisco Bay.

Compounding matters is the fact that it is summer in the city which means long gloomy days chilled by relentlessly brutal fog & wind. While it's certainly not the coldest winter I've ever spent (sorry, Mark Twain, but I'm from NYC try to spend a January day there & then talk to me about summer in San Francisco), it is definitely a mood deflating experience. When you add to this cheerful Wuthering Heights kind of atmosphere the blowing out of your right knee for no good reason other than the slow insidious decrepitude of middle age, you then have spectacular ingredients for the summertime blues.

Let's have a dash at the recipe, shall we?

  • Badly injure some part of your knee joint by doing nothing more than being middle-aged & reaching the culmination of many years of physical stress. Add insult to injury by being unable to accept the limitations of age.
  • Hobble around like an unusually large, geriatric rabbit with a touch of polio
  • Be forced to spend most of the day in an ungainly, semi-reclined position with leg iced & elevated on poorly supported, unevenly balanced, improvised traction devices (chairs, books, ugly pillows that you have relegated to the basement closet after purchasing them online from Horchows )
  • Be desperately bored to the point of watching Paula Deen reruns on Food Network for perverse entertainment value
  • Have knee continue swollen like a clown-faced water balloon at some hokey county fair shooting gallery for the better part of two weeks despite 2 weeks of ingredient #2
  • Gain at least 5 lbs. on a curvy figure because you are unable to exercise with anything more strenuous than the t.v. remote
  • Gain the above 5 lbs. by eating nothing more decadent than plain nonfat yogurt with less then farm fresh produce & a bit of leftover frozen veggie ravioli
  • Make sure husband decides he has to spend the better part of two weeks at the Mandarin Oriental in NY and the Bellagio in Las Vegas (without you & your gimpy leg, of course)
  • Have the notoriously frigid, gloomy San Francisco summer suddenly morph into the warmest, sunniest, most glorious stretch of weather in the city's recorded history
  • Make sure you live in a home amply supplied with enormous bay windows that can beautifully showcase all that you are missing in ingredient #8
  • Make sure the above home is also filled with many long winding staircases & liberally studded with other obstacles (rugs that slip, small easily upset occasional tables,large leafy plants,enormous immovable chairs & other potential booby traps) that you must deftly navigate around while delicately poised on one leg.
Now gently combine all the above ingredients with one moody temperamental latina. Allow it to marinate at room temperature for 2 or 3 weeks & have the perfect recipe for a miserable summer!!!

Serves 1 moderately neurotic individual.

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